The Case Against [Written] Porn

Reading porn is destroying your mind and your life.

Photo by Jan Antonin Kolar on Unsplash

---

The epidemic of porn addiction currently sweeping every cobwebbed corner of the internet is foulest among the logophilic. Sure, sometimes these little romps are dressed up as “erotica”, but this is merely a ploy to seduce (pun not intended, don’t be crude) people into believing this area of inquiry could in any way be a tasteful pursuit.⁰ In truth, sex is sex. It doesn’t matter how much exposition, climaxing, and denouement you throw in there.¹

So, let’s call it what it is.

Porn.

And no person is more depraved than those who read and write it. They are a special sort of debauched - people who say things like "Moist is fucking happening” (Agent Ranch Hand), “If you’re not rolling around in a wet spot, you’re doing it wrong” (Wulfruna | Erotica), “peas can be yummy” (F. Leonora Solomon), and who introduce themselves by declaring "That was SO HOT" (literally every one of them. Every friendship among these degenerates began with those words).

Below I have outlined a few reasons not to read (or listen to someone read) porn, but this is not an exhaustive list. If you would like more examples, please let me know - I might add a Part Two to this post.

Thoughts are exhausting

The act of creating a world in your imagination by reading a novel (or, in this case, slow-burn smut) increases neural connections that persist even after you put the book down² and reading is correlated with a delayed onset of dementia in Alzheimer Disease³. In other words, ain’t nobody got time for that.

Save your strength.

Don't read porn.

It's risky

Reading expands your mind.

But reading porn expands your butthole.

Spontaneous Butthole Expansion (SBE) is one of the many risks of reading porn. In addition to SBE, you may begin experiencing more irrepressible sexual thoughts throughout the day. You may develop an increased appetite for sexual release with your partner (more on that later). And you may begin to believe that the sexual desires you had previously repressed are nothing to be ashamed of.

That is all very naughty.

Don't read porn.

Less "me" time

There are several ways couples share written porn with each other:

• Reading aloud to each other

• Listening together to voiceovers

• Reading separately and then recreating the sex acts with each other

Couples who watch porn may find that they have become more sexually intimate⁴, which means less time for you to work on your own hobbies, like finding Argonian Ale in Skyrim. We can only assume the outcomes are even worse for couples who read porn together.

Don't read porn. Alone or otherwise.

Repression works

As generations of Irish Catholics⁵ will tell you, the best way to deal with your problems is to bottle them deep inside. And, believe me, kinks are problems.

Among those who enjoy written porn, “kink” has taken on a whole new meaning. In a shocking and abhorrent degradation of the English language, these people will even proudly declare kinks like “praise”, “femdom”, and “spanking”. They go out of their way to mention them, as though Kinks is their new Golden Retriever puppy and not the lascivious secret written with a whiteout pen on the toilet stall.⁶

Merriam-Webster defines "kink" as "unconventional sexual taste or behavior." Unconventional. The more people you encounter who have the same "kink" as you, the more you may believe that your interests are not actually kinks, but perfectly normal desires. "Kinks" (or, more appropriately, "no-nos") should remain kinks.

Most importantly, research shows that repressing our feelings, especially sexual feelings, leads to greater comfort, happiness, and inner peace.⁷ Why jeopardize that by ridding yourself of the existential angst of sexual repression?

Don't read porn.

---

If you are unconvinced by the arguments made in this post, check out some written porn and ruin your life.

---

Some written porn you definitely should not read:

Agent Ranch Hand isn’t even trying to pretend this publication is wholesome:

• RanchHandAgency
  X-Periment, X-Pression, X-Perience Curated by Agent Ranch Handmedium.com

They call themselves sweet, but let’s be serious, Sunny A Morgan and Skylar Quinn are running a seriously debauched operation:

• Crush Publications
  Crush Publications is open to all types of erotica. We love crush themes but we want all your stories.medium.com

---

Footnotes

⁰ Issues with writing erotica 2 — isn’t this just pornography?. Dianne Herbert (2022).

² Short- and Long-Term Effects of a Novel on Connectivity in the Brain. Gregory S. Berns, Kristina Blaine, Michael J. Prietula, and Brandon E. Pye. Brain Connectivity 2013 3:6, 590-600

² Cognitive Activity and Onset Age of Incident Alzheimer Disease Dementia. Robert S. Wilson, Tianhao Wang, Lei Yu, Francine Grodstein, David A. Bennett, Patricia A. Boyle. Neurology Aug 2021, 97 (9) e922-e929; DOI:10.1212/WNL.0000000000012388

³ Watching Pornography Alone or Together: Longitudinal Associations With Romantic Relationship Quality. Charlie Huntington, Howard Markman & Galena Rhoades (2021) , Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 47:2, 130-146; DOI: 10.1080/0092623X.2020.1835760

⁴ Many of the author's ancestors are Irish and Catholic, and she can personally vouch for the positive influence of repression and guilt on their behavior, like alcoholism and remaining in abusive relationships.

⁵ On a completely unrelated note, definitely don't look for any such writing in the third stall of the women's restroom in Penn Station.

⁶ Source not found.

---

Thanks for reading. If you liked this, consider subscribing, or becoming a paid subscriber so maybe one day I can do this full-time!

💛 Maia