15 Ways to Please Your Lover

I wanted this to be 50 Ways to Please Your Lover, in honor of the Paul Simon song "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" but everyone knows that's too many things in a list. Paul didn't list 50 things, either.

The actual rough-draft for this post started on this yellow sticky-note.

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1. Slip it in the back, Jack.

   Don’t make me explain this, you know what I mean.

   No? Okay, look up “anal sex” on your work computer.

2. Don’t need to be coy, Roy.
   If it feels good, say so.

3. DO discuss much

   (see #2)

4. Hop on their face, Grace.
   You think they wouldn’t like it but they really do.

5. Get out that can, Stan…
   …and cover her with whipped cream. Not so much the vagina, though, because healthy vaginas are in a delicate balance¹ and sugar can throw off the whole shebang. Stick to all the other erogenous zones that don’t mind so much if they’re coated in sugar. Places like -

   • nips

   • butt

   • butthole (clean it first, just sayin’)

   • ears

   • lips

   • neck

   • undersides of the jaw (you know, right there where it’s all ticklish and sensitive)

   • inner thighs

   • obliques (this spot gives me the shivers, I can’t be the only one)
     

6. Don’t swallow the key, Lee…

7. …because he might not want to stay tied up for the next 2 to 5 days.² But, hey, you do you. Maybe that’s the perfect long weekend for the two of you: him, helpless, shackled to the bed frame; you, crouched over a litter box, waiting.

   
   If that doesn’t sound ideal, I recommend, instead, placing the key somewhere far from your mouth, where any accidental swallowing is unlikely. Better yet, use a combination lock and don’t take any drugs that might compromise your ability to recall the sequence.

8. Don’t step on her crack, Jack.
   But do spit on it. Or use coconut oil. One of the worst rookie mistakes you can make with butt stuff is improper lubrication. Not many of us are blessed with naturally well-greased buttholes.

9. Actually, maybe do step on her crack, Jack
   Ashiatsu massages can be very erotic. Just make sure you aren’t crushing your partner’s innards in the process.

10. (but don’t do crack)
    Avoiding crack will please not only your lover, but everyone else around you. You just can’t trust a crackhead, and you can’t have a relationship without trust.
    

11. Play with a toy, boy
    There are SO MANY you could try. Vibes, butt plugs, electro-stim, rope, dildos, nipple clamps, cock rings…I mean, the list really does go on and on.

12. Find a new man, fam.
    JK, don’t do that. Unless you talk with your current man about it and he wants to incorporate a new man, too. That’s cool. What I mean is, ABC: Always Be Communicating.

13. Don’t incorporate bees, Steve
    The buzzing seems like a good idea, but there are a few other factors to consider. Like the stinging.

14. Try it in a tree, Lee
    The bark can be a bit scratchy, so we recommend full-coverage clothing with easy access ports, like assless chaps.

15. Get yourself free.
    Seriously, let go! Laugh. Cry, if that feels right. Sex should be fun and dirty and revelrous and sweet and delightful and joyous. Maybe not all of those things all at once, but you get the idea. The only way to experience any of them is to let the experience happen.

    
    

Thanks for reading this silly little ditty. If you like humor, adventure, sex, dark fantasy, BDSM, and true spicy tales WHOA BOY, are you in the right place.

💛 Maia

1. Lepargneur JP, Rousseau V. [Protective role of the Doderleïn flora] Journal de Gynecologie, Obstetrique et Biologie de la Reproduction. 2002 Sep;31(5):485-494. PMID: 12379833.

2. International Foundation for Gastrointestinal Disorders. (2022, November 10). Normal function. About Constipation. https://aboutconstipation.org/what-is-constipation/normal-function/