Yonder, It Rises.
I’d heard tell of it. Ain’t a soul in all of Smeldoria who hasn’t.
Today’s episode is brought to you by an offering on Etsy for mushroom-shaped wall hooks1. After a few representatives of the D&D crowd jumped into the conversation2, I knew this was a story that needed to be told…
INT. SMELDORIAN PUB - NIGHT
GOSHREY is seated at a table in the corner of the pub, surrounded by a group of villagers listening with rapt attention.
GOSHREY
I’d heard tell of it. Ain’t a soul in all of Smeldoria who hasn’t.
It’s the whisper in the darkness. The looming shadow on your path. The story told ‘round dying fires.
But nothing could have prepared me for the night I saw it with me own eyes.
Immense. Towering. When I stood before it, I saw nary a cloud in the sky, that’s how tall it was (also, I had a crick in me neck that prevented my lookin’ up too much). Yet, more astonishing than its height was the way it moved. It writhed.
Maybe you’d be expectin’ that. Maybe you think you know. I see you nodding like you could picture it, but lemme tell you somethin’ -
You could not possibly imagine the Wall of Dicks.
Thousands of appendages, of all shapes and sizes, wriggling and flapping and waving. Saluting and staring you down. The way it all moves together, it’s like the whole bloody thing is creeping toward you. And maybe it is. I don’t remember walkin’ toward it, but somehow it went from a shadow rising over yonder to the great behemoth I saw right in front of me. Close enough to reach out a hand and touch! And you wanna know something else?
It can hypnotize you.
That’s right! You ain’t heard about that in any of the old stories. Now, you know me. You know I’d sooner kick a dick than look at one but before I knew what I was doin’ I was reachin’ for the nearest one, a tentacle-y-lookin’ bugger. And it was reachin’ for me. It was like I was possessed.
No, see, don’t look at me like that. If you were there you’da done the same bloody thing. And you’da liked it.
That’s right. Fellas…I can’t believe it myself but this is the god’s honest truth - that fuckin’ wall makes you like it.
Like I said, I’d sooner kick a dick than lick one, but there I was, begging for that tentacle dick in my mouth, in my arse, wherever it would go.
Next thing I knew, I was lyin’ in the dirt and the Wall of Dicks was gone. And I had a strange kind of melancholy feeling - like I was missing it.
Now, you know I ain’t no queer. Like I said, I’d sooner kick a dick than fuck one. That’s how powerful the Wall is.
…
Where? About a thirty minute walk down past the boulder that looks like Reggie.
It does, Reggie, everyone knows that.
Well, your wife’s lyin’ to you then, I’m sorry.
Wait, where are yous goin? All of you? You ain’t afraid?
Thank you for tolerating my Sunday Sillies. If you liked this, let me know by dropping a comment! If you didn’t like it, let me know that too by sending a carrier pigeon. 😉
Love ya.
💛 Maia
The wall hooks, if you’re interested: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1516584152/4-wood-mushroom-hook-wall-decor-wall?gpla=1&gao=1&
The thread: https://x.com/A_DungeonDelver/status/1711124631694835846
That wall of dick is something. I had this vision of Repulsion, with Carol walking a corridor as hands grab her.